Other Thoughts On “to be or not to be”: An Extended Author’s Note

Because I always rant on in the comments, I figured I would just post an extended author’s note for to be or not to be here on the blog.

This picks up where the author’s note at the end left off.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this fic, because so many scenes I really like, but when I read it myself I’m not sure how it all fits. Every chapter, except for the first one, went through a lot of rewrites and had scenes added in.

You’ll notice it’s very repetitive- every chapter ends similarly, with members of the court talking and then going to bed. They spend way too much time in that apartment, jeeze…

But I’m going to pull the metaphor card on that, even though it was accidental. This story is a cycle, it’s about circles, and change, and trying to break out of something you’re stuck in.

Depression is like that.

But, I’m not trying to generalize as to what depression is like, I’m just showing one (multi-faceted) side to it. This fic is built from a lot of pieces, both mine and other’s experiences.

I wanted to show that sometimes this is the way it is- sometimes everything crashes down upon you before you can start to rebuild. Sometimes you can’t help, sometimes you can. Sometimes you make mistakes when you’re trying to help, and sometimes communicating with others doesn’t work. Sometimes no matter how much you try, nothing works, and sometimes you hit the bottom before you can get back up again.

But just because you’re depressed, doesn’t mean it’s forever.

And, though this fic deals with Smith’s depression and addiction, and his and his court’s dealing with the outcomes of it, it’s not a fic solely about depression. It’s about Smith’s feelings of inadequacy, and how he must accept his failures in order to succeed. It’s about the GC as a whole, and how they care for one another when all they see are the worst parts of themselves.

this post, I thought was very true, and it’s good to keep in mind:

I don’t want to make this fic out to be a PSA or overly-moral, or me trying to teach something.

But I’m always looking to be supportive, because you never know when someone might need to hear that. I know this fic is probably really hard to read for some, if they identify with what the characters are going through. It’s hard for me to read, because I put so much of myself into this.

But I want to make this very clear:

Things do get better. Maybe not immediately, but they will. Life is a cycle of ups and downs- there are going to be dark parts to every story, but there will always, always be something brighter at the end.

Smith, the GC, me, you: we’re not done with our stories. We don’t know what the future holds. There are going to be darker moments and lighter moments, but the lighter moments are going to win out. You’ve got to hold out for every speck of light, no matter how small. Hold onto the things that you love, even the small ones, even things you think may be stupid but bring a smile to your face. Keep them close, because they’re important.

You’re going to get through this. It’s not going to be easy, but you’ll get there. It doesn’t matter if you’re taking one step forward and two steps back- just keep moving. Keep your head up.

You don’t want to miss out on all the good things life has in store.


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